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[music playing]
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SOFIA KOWALSKI: Allan?
TOM REILLY: No.
SOFIA KOWALSKI: Christoper?
TOM REILLY: Hm, no.
Nigel?
No.
[sighs]
Leonard, that's cute.
That's so cute!
We have a little fat kid that likes internet porn.
What about Hans?
What about Adolf?
That's great.
It rings, rolls off the tongue.
Charles!
It's a classic.
You can't find anything wrong with Charles.
Are you kidding me?
Do you know what the nickname for Charles is?
What?
Chucky.
How am I supposed to fall asleep with
a little red-haired toddler named Chucky
sleeping in the next room?
Just forget the book, OK?
We don't need the book.
Let's come up with our own name, like Apple or Destiny's Child.
I got an idea.
Just look at me, right?
What's the first name that pops into your head?
Doofus.
[giggles]
OK, you go.
First name that pops into your head.
Boobies.
You want to name our child Boobies?
I'm saying that I'm open to it.
Honey.
[toaster ding]
SOFIA KOWALSKI: Sweetie, the book
says it's best to come up with a name
before the birth of the baby.
[sighs]
Will you relax with the book?
You're obsessed.
Honey!
You know doing research makes me feel more comfortable.
Speaking of which, I've decided not to do an epidural.
What?
Yep.
Apparently, natural childbirth's better for the baby.
But everybody says the pain is unbearable.
Whatever's best for Baby Big Nose.
Big nose?
Oh sorry that's just the name that popped into my head
when I was looking at you.
Oh, that's very funny.
That's very funny.
[screams] [laughter]
Honey, please!
You're making me pee!
Whoa, whoa. Look at the time.
I've got to go. - Oh.
Promotion day.
Good luck, sweetheart.
Hey, I love you.
I love you.
Tom.
Tom Reilly.
How the hell are you, man?
What's going on?
Good, Forrest.
How are you?
The last time I saw you, you were with Sofia Kowalski.
Yeah, we-- we got married actually.
Way to go, man.
You know I was never one of the people that said
she was out of your league.
In their face, right?
Yeah.
We're about to have a baby.
Congratulations that's fantastic!
Yeah, good stuff.
My wife and I just did that deal in December.
Kids are expensive as hell though.
You know I just made SVP at Armstrong,
making 500 grand a year and we're barely making ends meet.
We just got a beach house in the Hamptons.
Oh.
Piece of advice, you want the most ass ever?
Please.
Get your wife a beach house.
Oh.
I'm serious I can't keep her off my junk.
I'll have to remember that.
Hey, come out to the Hamptons sometime.
We'll go sailing.
- I'll bring my yacht! - Even better.
- OK. - All right.
$500,000 a year, can you believe that?
I went to school with this idiot,
he's one of the stupidest people I ever met.
Where did I go wrong?
Dude, you're a cook.
I know.
Should've become a hedge fund guy,
I'd be getting ass out in East Hampton.
OK people!
There's a lot of hungry stockbrokers up there.
They're counting on you.
What's wrong?
Somebody left a bunch of salmon out overnight.
Leon's docking everybody's pay.
That's ridiculous.
Well, you've got to talk to him, Tom.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not me this time, guys.
Sorry.
Tommy, you're the only guy that can stand up to him.
Paco, my wife's about to have a baby.
I need this promotion.
Well this guy's going to dock our pay, man.
[clapping]
Let's go, ladies!
I don't pay you to stand around all day.
Hey, Summers.
Look I need you to work on Sunday, OK?
Leon my sister's getting married on Sunday, remember?
Oh. Well, you know what?
You got to tell me that when I'm making out the schedule.
I can't keep track of everyone's social life.
- I did tell you. - I'll sub for him, Leon.
Paco, silencio.
Summers, I'm sorry.
You got to be here Sunday, that's it.
I don't make the rules.
Oh wait, yes I do.
You got something to say Riley?
'Cause, uh, I'd love to hear it.
Leon, you're an asshole.
And you're fired.
What?
Oh, ay dios mio.
You heard me, Banderas, hit the road.
Go on back to your 10-family shack
and watch Telemundo all day.
I don't give a shit, all right?
OK, we both got a little carried away.
I admit it, you admit it.
Let's-- let's just have a cool down period, OK?
Do you want to use my apron?
I can get most of that off.
Are you kidding me, [inaudible]??
You don't hit a guy with a pork chop!
[music playing]
[screams]
Crazy bastard!
[clattering]
TOM REILLY: OK, no.
Stop, stop, stop, stop!
Come on!
We're sor-- We're sorry.
We're sorry. We're sorry.
You're fired too.
[screams]
[chatter]
[piano music]
Aha.
Forrest, here's some pork on the house.
[chatter]
How's the ahi?
Oh I'm so fat.
Oh.
[stretches]
[sighs]
Don't give me that crazy look, Kimmie.
I see you.
I have too much to do before I got to get out of here.
KAREN: Hey, Sof.
Can I ask you something?
Do you really think you can raise a kid on Tom's salary?
He's getting promoted to Head Lunch Chef.
We're going to be fine.
I have to say I have a hard time seeing you as a housewife.
I am not going to be a housewife.
I'm going to be a full-time mom.
Of course, yeah.
[gasp]
What?
[phone ring]
Don't worry about it, man.
Hello?
Now?
Tom's self-conscious 'cause his
peep has a little curve to it.
[laughter]
But hey it still works, right?
[laughter]
What are you two giggling about?
Your cute little curve.
I'll get you another pillow.
Babe, please don't talk about my curve.
My curve is private.
Sweetie, she's our delivery nurse.
Eventually she's going to see my vagina
and most likely watch me poop.
What now?
Most women poop at some point during the birth,
I told you that.
No, no.
I'm pretty sure I would remember that.
So, which way does it curve?
Don't answer that.
Left.
It's actually right, it's just her left.
Come here, sweetie.
You look more nervous than I am.
I know.
It's OK.
Really.
It's the most natural thing in the world.
Women have been doing this for thousands
and thousands of ye--!
What the hell was that?
I told you those contractions were going to get stronger.
But don't worry, you still have some time
before they get real nasty.
That wasn't nasty?
Hell no.
Tom, I think I changed my mind.
I want the drugs.
Now?
I-- I-- I could probably score you some weed.
Sophia, you turned down the epidural.
And the anesthesiologist is in surgery now.
Baby, what about all the research?
Screw the research.
Get me the drugs.
[music playing]
I'm sorry, I was told the black, bald guy
at the counter who's always trying to get
some is an anesthesiologist.
Is that you?
That is me but I'm going home in just a second.
Oh, can I just talk to you for--
Sorry, that goes there.
My wife turned down her epidural and now she totally regrets it.
She's in a lot of pain--
I-- I'm very sorry but you're going
to have to speak to one of the anesthesiologists
that are on call.
So I'm just trying to get out of here
because in a few minutes I'm going to crack this--
Excuse me.
We can't find anybody else.
Excuse me.
Do you not see two grown folks talking right here?
Can you respect that?
[indistinct conversation]
[screams]
Honey, I found one.
Can you please get me an epidural?
Please?
Ah, much better.
Thank you so much.
I'm just glad I could help, Sofia.
All right, you can take him away.
Trying to steal a brother's Hummer.
Please forgive me.
He was just trying to help me.
Don't make him miss his son being born.
There must be something we can do.
Babe, uh, we still don't have a name for our son.
Ah.
What's your name?
Hakeem.
What's your last name?
Oliver.
TOM REILLY: Hey, Oliver.
[yawns]
He's beautiful.
Uh, baby?
A funny thing happened at work today.
TOM REILLY: It's a setback, baby.
But we're going to get through this.
The important thing is that we have
a beautiful, perfect, handsome, baby boy, right?
[intercom voice]
And we love each other, right?
Do you remember how we decided that I was
going to stay home with our baby and you
were going to support us?
But Sofia, it was the principle of the thing.
You should have seen this gu--
It's always the principle of the thing!
First it was a museum job, but then you
didn't want to turn into a pretentious social climber.
Then you decide to become a magazine
writer, which lasts until you tell your editor he's a whore.
Not an actual whore, Sofia.
A whore to the entertainment industry.
You speak your mind and you can smell bullshit a mile away
and that's what I love about you.
But sooner or later people make compromises!
They don't like what they do, they hate their boss,
they're bored most of the time, that's what having a job is!
Mm-hmm.
OK, well.
What if this whole thing was a message from God?
What do you think God's trying to tell us?
Maybe he's trying to tell us that it's time for us
to move out of New York City.
I could finally take your dad up on his job offer.
[MUSIC PLAYING - A.C. NEWMAN, "MIRACLE DRUG"]
[music playing]
[SINGING] He was tied to the bed with a miracle
drug in one hand.
In the other, a great lost novel that, I understand
was returned with a stamp that said,
thank you for your interest--
Woohoo!
Ohio!
Look, Oliver!
Yes!
-- [SINGING] his soul for a perilous slide into crime.
He had decided that he would err on this side of divine.
Being told this was wise.
A lot of white people in this neighbourhood.
-- [SINGING] payback with interest in due time.
So why all the history now?
[baby noises]
Kids!
Welcome.
Great, it's your parents.
They're in our house already.
Look at that baby!
I'm gonna eat you!
I'm gonna eat you.
Ah!
Oh.
Your stuff got here safe and sound.
Not that you had very much.
Well, dad, our apartment in New York
was about the size of this porch.
I love it, go ahead.
Whose furniture is this?
Surprise.
Got you a little housewarming gift.
BOB KOWALSKI: You know having a job
completely changes a man, Tom.
It's not just about the money, it's about having a purpose.
It's about feeling proud of yourself.
Dad--
You know I've been employed before, Bob.
No I'm not talking about a cook.
I'm talking about a real job.
Dad, Tom was a chef, not a cook.
A chef's a cook, right?
Personally, I think being a cook is a real job.
BOB KOWALSKI: You want a tip on how to succeed,
you take a look at this girl here.
Did you know that your wife was Phi Beta Kappa?
That she got 170 on the LSAT?
I know that, Bob.
If you remember we've been dating since college.
[speaking spanish] [cheep] [cheep] Oh, don't eat me.
I'm for grown-ups.
You know who I'm putting in charge of training Tom?
Chip Sanders.
Oh, great.
TOM REILLY: So what's this Chip guy like?
I haven't seen him for years.
We were in cheerleading together.
Which reminds me, when are you going
to dig out one of your cheerleading outfits
and do a little routine for me?
I don't know.
Are you going to score a touchdown for me?
[WHISPERS] Oh I will score you a touchdown, yeah.
[kissing sound]
Tom, don't.
It's just, Oliver eats from there.
It just seems kind of weird.
I'm sorry, maybe it's just a little too early.
Is that OK?
Of course it's OK.
Of course.
It's totally fine.
OK.
[baby noises]
Wish me luck, family members.
[kissing sound]
SOFIA KOWALSKI: Hm.
Give him hell.
I'll miss you guys.
[music playing]
[chatter]
[singing]
Tom!
Hi.
Welcome to Sunburst.
Thank you.
Oh I should have told you.
Suit and tie is not required.
Casual Friday everyday, huh?
No, it's not business casual.
We tried that.
It's business appropriate.
It's about being yourself, but in an appropriate way.
It's kind of special.
Oh.
You know, I've been here longer than anybody.
30 years.
Last year, a visionary took over.
His name, Don Wollebin.
Guys!
Guys, I want you to meet Tom Reilly,
our new assistant associate creative.
[BOTH] Hey, Tom.
It's Manny.
- He's Doug. - Oh oh.
Oh oh. - Oh.
Oh oh. DOUG: What's that?
What you trying to do?
Is that going somewhere?
It's off.
Catch.
Whoa.
Whoops.
Nice, Manny!
Can't let my man down.
You got to catch it, Tom.
The yes ball gets thrown around the office all day long.
It's a way of showing that we're all in sync.
Oh.
Once you start thinking about stuff in a new way,
it'll turn your whole world upside down.
Ha ha.
Come on.
[WHISPERS] Oh my god.
BOB KOWALSKI: People just aren't eating as much fried fish
anymore.
So Don says, let's shift the paradigm.
Forget fried fish, let's reinvent the tartar sauce
as a hamburger spread, call it Pickle Whip,
and sell it to teenagers.
That's classic Wollebin.
[laughter]
BOB KOWALSKI: No question.
Now last but not least, I want to introduce all of you
to our new assistant associate creative, Tom Reilly!
[applause]
Thank you all.
I'm sure that this experience will--
Sit down, Tom.
It's all right.
Hey, Tom.
[laughter]
MAN: Throw it.
[chatter]
BOB KOWALSKI: Yes!
Oh I don't want too many.
Or do I?
[chatter]
Go long!
Come on, buddy.
You got to jump for those.
Uh, unfortunately I--
I can't.
And I-- and I haven't been able to, Tom, since I was five.
It's great to meet you though.
My name's Chip Sanders.
This is the guy you're going to be working under.
[music playing]
Hey, Chip.
I-- I'm really sorry about what just happened.
I feel like an idiot.
Hold it right there, Tom.
We don't apologize at Sunburst.
You know the Japanese have a term called moushiwake.
It's a way of saying you're sorry
and taking responsibility.
At Sunburst, if you feel you've fallen short,
you write a moushiwake on one of these little yellow pads.
Here, there you go.
Just go ahead, write it down.
Chip, I'm sorry I threw the imaginary ball--
It's supposed to be silent.
Tom, don't you worry about it.
If I got depressed every time somebody
made a joke at my expense, I'd never get out of bed.
Oh, I wasn't making a joke.
I didn't--
Tom, you'll be working under the best here.
Oh, sticky.
I'm sorry.
Chip just won Ohio Advertiser of the Year.
Oh, congratulations.
I don't do it for the awards.
He created Senor Tomato for the Ketchup Caliente Campaign.
Caliente!
[laughter]
[speaking spanish]
I love this guy.
Yeah I'm pretty proud of him.
There's not a lot of Latino characters in advertising.
Oh he seems like a really nice role model.
Well it's nice to do well, but also to do good.
[speaking spanish]
[baby laughs]
SOFIA KOWALSKI: Look whose awake.
It's Mr. Stinky Winky.
[baby laughs]
It's Mr. Stinky Winky's pinkies.
You made mommy a nice little poo, a stinky poo.
Yes you did.
[adult baby talk] He backed away.
His hand holding the purple crayon shook.
You don't understand a word I'm saying, do you?
Johnson told the Senate subcommittee he was satisfied
with the President's budget, even though it represented
a 6% decrease from last year.
[music playing]
So, you married Sofia Kowalski.
You are one lucky man.
Thanks.
You love her, Tom?
Oh yeah.
You earn her love every single day?
I believe I do, Chip.
That's all I need to hear.
So listen, I want you to know that I don't care whether you
got this job through family connections
or had to earn it like the rest of us.
What's important is that you're here and that's awesome.
OK, well.
I'm-- I'm just excited to jump in, whatever you
got for me just let me know--
Hang on there, killer.
We're going to walk before we run, OK?
Did you see Karate Kid?
Yeah.
Miyagi, Macchio.
OK?
And right now we're in the wax on, wax off period.
Advertising here, advertising never here.
TEEN [ON TV]: She and my mom got in a heated argument
and my mom took her to the ground
and started hitting her while my dad stood over top laughing.
MAN 1 [ON TV]: Did you later find
out that that was not true?
Hearsay.
MAN 2 [ON TV]: [inaudible] hearsay.
MAN 1 [ON TV]: Did you ever hear your sister
say that she hated your mother?
TEEN [ON TV]: Constantly.
Hi.
What are doing?
Nothing.
Are those Snaps?
Yeah.
That's pretty cool.
CHILD: It's pretty stupid.
My dad won't let me watch TV anymore.
That's bullshit, dude.
Yeah.
This is all I can do.
You want to trade?
Just kidding.
Uh, that on-- that one was a dud.
It happens.
So during the school year, I live with my mom in New Jersey.
And I spend the summer here with my dad.
But he's at work all the time.
And all my friends live back in Parsippany
so it's pretty [inaudible].
[music playing]
Hey, think fast.
[laughs] I'm just messing with you.
I'm Carol, by the way.
Tom.
Hey, Tom.
Can I give you some advice? - Yeah.
Get out of here.
Run, run as fast as you can.
Walk out that door and don't look back.
I'm just kidding.
[laughs] But not really.
[laughs] This is going to be awesome.
Somebody's eating Chip's yogurt.
CHIP SANDERS: Yo, Carol, watch your legs.
No breaks, thank you.
How we doing, gang?
Huh?
[music playing]
Uh oh.
Either one of you two guys seen wh--
[music playing]
Is this your yogurt?
Uh huh.
Oh 'cause-- 'cause Bob had said something about, like,
free snacks in the kitchen.
Muffins.
Muffins are for everyone.
Yogurt's mine, everyone knows that.
But listen, my fault, you're new.
I'll just-- I'll just go buy you another one.
No no.
I'm your mentor, I should've told you.
I'll go hungry today, that'll be my punishment.
No no, please.
At least finish the rest of this.
No, you've already done about 2/3
of that, why don't you finish it off.
OK? Enjoy.
It's peach, my favorite.
I give you one week.
SOFIA KOWALSKI: Who is that?
Who is that?
Hi, Dad.
Dad, I pooped today.
What did you do?
Can you please change my diaper, Dad?
My dad loves Chip.
He's like the son he never had.
What about me?
It's totally different.
You're his son-in-law.
Chip's a great guy, babe.
He just, I don't know, he seems a little angry or something.
Well maybe you'd be a little angry too if you'd
lost the use of your legs.
It's not that.
I don't-- I don't know.
He just-- he's nice.
I just-- I think he might have a dark side.
Tom, is your first week on the job.
I really hope you're not picking a fight.
I'm not saying anything bad about him.
Everybody has a dark side, I have a dark side.
I'm very dangerous.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Come here.
[toilet flushes]
'Sup?
Who is that person?
That's Wesley, he's dad doesn't want him to watch TV.
I don't see the wisdom of selling directly to consumers.
Do you remember we spoke about Smith and Hawkins, Sir?
2000% sales growth?
We've got a three-pronged strategy,
web advertising, product partnerships, and print ads.
Actually, it's a four-pronged strategy.
You forgot about direct mailing.
Direct mailing is not part of this strategy.
Actually it is.
No it's not.
Uh, it is Chip.
If you'd took the time to read the report like I did.
Pages 23 through 29, direct mailing.
I specifically said no junk mail.
Now, no junk mail means no direct mailing!
Did my son say you could do this?
This meeting is over.
Goodbye.
[sighs]
I'm really sorry.
I guess I shouldn't have said that.
That report was for internal distribution only.
That's what for internal distribution only means.
Mr. Hordhaus' son asked us not to tell his father
about the direct mailing.
Because in five years, when direct mailing takes effect,
Mr. Hordhaus will be dead.
MR. HORDHAUS [ON INTERCOM]: I can still hear you.
[sighs]
I guess you can kiss that account goodbye.
Bob, I'm really sorry.
I mean moushiwake.
I'll-- I'll write a, I'll write a moushiwake, Bob.
Bob, if anybody should be writing a moushiwake, it's me.
Tom is my responsibility.
Chip, please.
He's the one who screwed up.
Wollebin gets back from Nepal tomorrow.
I don't want to tell him you blew a major account
on your second day.
I'm going say it was me.
Oh, no no.
No I can't let you take the rap for that, let me do it.
Absolutely not, Chipper.
It's my family, I'll clean up the mess.
Well thank you, Bob.
I-- I appreciate that.
Let's go back to work.
[music playing]
Hey, uh, Tom?
It's probably none of my business
but, um, I doubt I'd ever let my father-in-law take
the bullet for me like that.
You know what, Chip, it is none of your business.
Sofia.
We are the Tigers!
And we're not cocky.
But we'll run you over--
[BOTH] Like a kawasaki.
Vroom vroom! [laughs]
Hey, baby
Sofia-- hey!
Let me-- let me-- let me see the baby.
Let me see the baby.
Oh my gosh, look what you've made!
Who's the father?
Have you found him?
[laughs] Sofia, ready, OK.
Remember this?
[BOTH] Let me tell you what we are, W-I-N-N-E-R.
That's it.
Second half, second half.
[BOTH] Let me tell you what you are, L-O-S-E-R!
That's great.
And Riverside Tigers out of sight.
[BOTH] Riverside Tigers dynamite.
And that guy.
Hang on, hang on.
Explode!
Explode.
Explode!
[laughs]
Explode?
Come on, you remember our song, Chips Ahoyers.
Come on, I got you.
Ready?
Ha.
Explode!
[applause]
Oh yeah.
I can't believe he remembered all the moves.
Oh yeah, he's a real champ.
Bet he had a huge crush on you in high school, didn't he?
[laughs]
Well, we did sort of have sex once.
What?
I thought you said he was paralyzed from the waist down.
Well, not completely.
So, you just like forgot to tell me about it.
Sweetie it was a long time ago.
I didn't want you thinking about that when you met the guy.
It's just-- I don't know, it's gross.
I think you showed really bad judgment.
Why?
Because no offense to Chip, but he's a dick.
You're not really jealous, are you?
Don't you know I'm saving my special cheer for you?
You have a special cheer?
Yeah.
Really?
Can I see it?
Show me upstairs.
[door closes]
Hi.
Hello, Wesley.
Can I get you anything?
Hm, I'm all right.
Got my twizzer.
You got it?
Yeah, I got it.
[inaudible]
So you, uh, spend any time at your own house there, Wesley?
Wesley's mom lives in New Jersey, and his dad works late.
Oh.
Well I'm glad we could help out.
Welcome to the family, Wesley.
Thanks, Tom.
Hey, guys.
You want to see something really cool?
Sure.
SOFIA KOWALSKI: Oh.
Oh.
[laughs]
Wesley, you're going to hurt yourself.
That was awesome.
Wait a second, this is it.
What are you doing?
The Pickle Whip Campaign.
This is how I'm going to redeem myself.
You got to promise me you're never going to do that again.
Do that again.
Nah, I don't feel so good.
Oh come on, buddy.
I need this for work.
I don't know.
I'll give you 20 bucks.
Tom!
Done and done.
[music playing]
There's my little Karate Kid.
You know, Tom, when I told you to meet me at the gym at 7:45,
I didn't mean 47.
I'm so sorry, Chip.
Listen, I think I have a really cool idea
for the Pickle Whip Campaign.
Last night-- - --you know what.
First of all, I need you to calm down.
I'm pretty calm.
Great, we're going to start by just painting the fence.
You know what I mean?
Because today is not for work ideas, today is for bonding.
We're going to exercise together like men.
You know how to exercise like a man, Tom?
I'm guessing there won't be any Pilates, right?
[brakes screech]
Of course there won't be any Pilates, Tom.
I've got wheels for legs, OK?
I can never do Pilates.
No matter how super you and your little sissy friends think
it is.
We're going to play basketball.
You play basketball?
That's right.
Of course you do, all right.
Well, we'll play basketball.
Could you hold that for me?
Thank you.
[sighs]
[chatter]
Chip, no.
Tom, yes.
I already told the guys you were going to join us.
Come on, you're going to love it.
I don't feel comfortable doing that, man, I'm sorry.
Oh come on.
What do you mean comfortable?
We do this all the time with able-bodied guys,
you'll have fun.
Well if they're all cool with it.
Absolutely they're cool with it.
Are you cool with it?
Are you down?
Come on, get in there and saddle up.
The rules are basically the same, except for the dribbling.
OK?
Player in possession of the ball may not push his chair
more than twice in succession with one
or both hands in either direction
without first tapping the ball to the floor again.
OK?
Basically two consecutive pushes constitutes
a traveling violation.
You got that, right?
Oh and don't move your legs at all during the game,
the players consider that poor etiquette.
Fellas!
Oh boy.
CHIP SANDERS: Hello hello.
All right, listen.
I'm going to play with Eddie.
New guy, you get the Colonel.
Colonel?
- You any good? - No.
- Can you shoot? - No.
- [inaudible]? - Slow.
Good at defense?
I'm more of a beginner, actually.
I like you.
Thank you.
You're honest.
I don't like fakers.
Nobody likes a faker, sir.
Just, uh, try your best.
And by all means, keep your hands in off the guard rails.
Or else , somebody could come along and smash!
Ah!
Game on, guys.
Thought we're teammates?
CHIP SANDERS: Hey bro, you can't leave me up here!
CHIP [VOICEOVER]: Watch this, huh.
Which way do you want me to go?
No, this way.
And that's a pick.
Right back.
Here comes a score.
That's a little defensive, you need to learn how to play, OK?
Focus.
[music playing]
[chatter]
This way, buddy.
[music playing]
Ah!
MAN 3: Sorry.
[chatter]
I'm open!
Ah!
What!
MAN 4: That's going to happen.
Get that thing in here.
Move it!
OK, 10-10.
Game point.
Bring it.
Ball's in.
Right, work it back around.
Here we go.
Hey!
You missed it!
Back to me.
This is what you want, pal.
Hey!
Shoot, kid!
[chatter]
Ooh ooh.
[laughs]
In your face!
MAN 5: Good job.
Guys, his leg just moved.
MAN 5: What?
What are you talking about?
MAN 5: Oh my gosh.
You can walk?
Uh, I think there must be a little bit
of a misunderstanding.
Chip, can you?
Ooh ooh, looks like trouble.
[chatter]
Moushiwake on the whole mix-up thing, Tom.
In my defense, I was able to pry you
from the Colonel's death grip about five seconds
after you blacked out.
Thank you so much, Chip.
Don't you mention it.
You're my dog.
All right, let's go take a shower.
Did you bring your shampoo?
No, uh-- oh my god.
Ah!
Careful.
You want to put the towel around your waist, or--
I'm all set.
Now, Tom, didn't you want to tell me a little idea
for the Pickle Whip Campaign?
No, I'm-- I'm cool.
Good, 'cause you're still real new at the company, big guy.
All right?
You're a long ways from being ready to pitch any ideas,
let's not get ahead of ourselves, OK?
Fine.
And, Tom, it's OK to look at him.
He likes it.
Don't ya?
[music playing]
Ow!
You, uh, you hit my face.
If you want to feel your insignificance in the vastness
of the universe, I mean really feel it,
try boarding in the Himalayas.
You, inspire me.
Sorry about your face, brother.
That's Don Wollebin.
Oh.
Power Pickle.
He's Senor Tomato, only less Mexican,
and twice the attitude.
Power Pickle loves extreme skating,
he loves extreme snowboarding, also enjoys extreme skydiving.
Most of all, he enjoys extreme lunching.
[laughs]
That's good.
It's phallic.
Oops.
That feels like a commercial.
Exactly.
Nobody likes commercials.
You know, that's true too.
Well I have something actually, uh--
Who's this?
Uh, uh, this is Tom Reilly.
He's our new assistant associate creative.
Tom, it's-- it's-- it's-- generally the creatives,
or the associate creatives, who make these proposals.
It is better to listen to a wise beggar than a rich fool.
I want to hear the beggar.
OK, thank you.
I-- I saw this kid do this kind of funny trick the other day.
And, I don't know, I think it would make a hilarious ad.
You-- tell me what you guys think.
[laughter]
No way!
MAN 6: That's funny.
Congratulations, Tom. You did it.
Oh.
[applause]
Tom, I want you going down to Lion's Pride tomorrow
to show this thing to Jack Connor.
Chip?
Boss?
You're Tom's wing-man on this thing.
Wing-man is.
How about that?
Do you mountain bike?
Uh, yeah.
I just-- whenever I-- whenever I get the chance--
I mean, there's some amazing trails around here,
especially at dawn.
It's all inspiring.
We should go sometime, hm?
Yeah.
All right.
Yeah, great.
I got to get a bike.
[guitar playing]
TOM REILLY: Hey, I hope there's no hard feelings 'cause
I thought your whole extreme pickle
thing was-- was really cool.
When he was like, you know, skydiving--
Tom.
Let me tell you something, if you think I care about Power
Pickle, you're sorely mistaken.
OK?
I can think up ideas like that in my sleep.
And someday, when I'm kicking ass in Barcelona,
I'm going to look back on this whole campaign
as some sad, pathetic, little joke.
He said that?
I have no idea what he was talking about.
There's this ad agency in Barcelona called Idea.
They're like cutting edge euro geniuses.
Chip applied for a job there.
Nobody's supposed to know about it
but I saw him mailing off a bunch
of Senor Tomato figurines.
That guy is out of his mind.
Tell me about it.
He is great in the sack though.
How do you know?
Nancy slept with him last Christmas.
She said it was the best sex she ever had.
Apparently he can like balance on his arms,
and then the angle makes it intense
because you're sitting-- - Yeah, I really--
I don't want to hear about it, OK?
What the hell?
What?
Someone stole the picture of my wife.
[doorbell rings]
Sofia Kowalski.
Abby March, wow.
Hey!
It is so good to see you.
And who is this little guy?
This is Oliver.
Petey?
Petey, do you want to give Oliver a hug?
Yeah?
Oh, that's a big yes!
Yes.
Oh yes.
Loves, oh, oh loves.
Loves for your new friend.
Oh.
The akana asana aids indigestion, and helps
with gas and constipation.
Shall we ask permission?
[chatter]
Did you need some?
Um?
Its Bag Balm, and dairy farmers
use it as a moisturizer for cow udders.
And it is the best thing in the world for sore nipples.
It's wonderful.
Right.
BOB KOWALSKI: Tom, look at this lamp.
Wollebin just gave this to me to thank me for hiring you.
Wow.
You know, it hasn't been exactly smooth
for me since he took over.
Hm.
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I think
you're doing a great job, son.
Well thank you, dad.
Have you seen my whales?
What?
Have I showed you my whales?
No.
Sometimes I just sit in here and stare at them.
It's so peaceful.
I even give them names.
That one-- ow fuck!
Are you OK?
That lamp is hotter than shit!
[music playing]
[baby crying]
Shh.
Come on, buddy.
[baby crying]
Hi.
Hello, wife.
Hello, child.
Daddy's home.
He's been like this all day.
Oh no.
What's wrong [inaudible] bear?
Come here, little bear.
Come on, you've got to be kidding me.
What's with the bike?
TOM REILLY: It's hot, right?
Wollebin asked me to go mountain biking with him.
He asked me right after he put me in charge
of the Pickle Whip Campaign.
$1,200?
Oh, babe, a b--
a bike like that should cost 1,500.
Try and bend those rims, try.
Kick them.
You can't bend those rims, they're
called high performance rims.
Honey, you've never been mountain biking in your life.
Look, if you want me to return the bike, I'll return the bike.
I want you to return the bike.
You know what?
No, I'm not going to return the bike.
Because I think physical fitness is important
and I think it's good for my career.
My day was terrible.
This girl I hated in high school came over
and made me go to her baby group and everyone
called me a bad mommy.
You're an amazing mommy.
Daddy gets the go mountain biking with Wollebin.
Chip can't go mountain biking.
Tom.
It was a joke.
I don't think making fun of people's handicap is funny.
It was a joke.
Asleep in under five minutes.
Daddy's got the magic touch.
So what does Wesley get out of this whole Pickle Whip thing?
I already got him to sign a release.
He gets $1,000 if the ad airs.
What you doing?
It's Bag Balm, Tom.
These are for cow's udders.
Rub on udders.
Wow.
I don't know, sweetie.
It just feels like the whole thing's a little exploitative
of Wesley.
Oh, I get it.
I think I see what's happening.
Somebody's a little jealous.
What?
Oh come on.
You're used to being the star and now I'm
in the limelight a little bit.
It's probably driving you crazy, admit it.
Admit it.
Score a touchdown--
It's not going to happen, Tom.
Use the Bag Balm.
CHIP SANDERS: Jack, good to see you again.
How are you?
Please meet Tom Reilly, he's been
helping me out on the campaign.
Riley, is it?
Do you have Irish blood in you, by any chance?
Me father's father was an Irishman.
So I have a wee bit of the leprechaunry.
Are you making fun of me?
No I'm-- I'm sorry.
I-- I-- I thought that was a fake accent.
Why?
I don't know.
I-- I-- I don't know.
Well that was unfortunate.
Jack, you're going to love the new campaign.
Let's jump right in.
[laughter]
I mean, is that something?
Is that incredible or what?
When I saw that kid, I said that's it.
We've all just said hello to the new face of Pickle Whip.
Well done, Chip.
Thanks so much, Jack.
I'm so sorry, but you're going to all have to excuse me.
Jack, [whispers]
Oh, certainly, of course.
Great.
And Tom, do us a favor please, and present the market
penetration strategy.
Market penetration strategy.
Something that's very important to today's youth market.
Penetration.
Um, let's stick with long range, because that way we know we're
going to maximize P, profit.
Isn't p price?
You're thinking of upper case, this is a lower case
P. Write that down, here we go.
Next slide.
[chatter]
That's just J and Q. There they are, next slide.
Have you talked to Chris about the penetration strategy?
Chris?
Chris Caldwell.
Your director of market research.
Oh, Chris Chris.
Chris Chris, yes.
I talked to him this morning, he loves it.
Chris Caldwell is a woman.
Yes.
Why did you say he?
It's a little joke we have.
Everybody calls Chris a he because she looks like a man.
She had a little mustache.
But it's gone, she-- she-- she waxed it.
She looks great.
If you guys see her, you got to tell her how good she looks.
Because we're all-- we're all proud of her.
Tom?
Sorry I had to duck out, how'd the rest of the meeting go?
How do you think it went, Chip?
You left me high and dry in there.
I'm sorry, I had a medical emergency.
Yeah right.
What kind of emergency?
Well I don't really enjoy talking about it in front
of other people, but if you must know
I sometimes have a bladder control problem, OK?
It's very embarrassing but it is one of the things
that you have to deal with when you're
paralyzed from the waist down.
[music playing]
[indistinct voices]
BOB KOWALSKI: A toast.
You know, Tom, to be honest for a long time Amelia
and I have been wondering how long it's going to take
you to get your act together.
Bob!
Amelia, please!
It's taken you awhile, but you finally realized who you are.
You're an ad man.
To Tom Reilly.
Ad man.
TOM REILLY: You look up to me now, buddy.
But when you get a little bit older,
you're going to realize that your dad has absolutely
no idea what he's doing.
[baby sounds]
I don't want to go back out there.
I don't want to go back out there, so how about you and me,
we're just going to sit in here until you
crap your pants again.
OK?
Are you OK?
Yeah, why?
Chip said and you blew up at him today.
What?
He called you?
He called me because he was worried about you.
He said you were acting kind of hostile.
I'm acting hostile?
Oh my god that son of a bitch.
Jack Connor tore me a new asshole this morning.
What the hell is the matter with you?
Bob, moushiwake, OK?
But Chip hung me out to dry.
Jack said that you made fun of his mother
for having a mustache.
That's not true.
I said Chris Caldwell had a mustache.
Chris Caldwell doesn't have a mustache!
I know, but I thought Chris Caldwell
was a man because Chris is often a man's name.
Three creatives came to me this morning
and said that you were humiliating
Chip about his disability!
Chip is trying to sabotage me!
Chip was trying to mentor you!
He came to me and said, how can I help him?
Don't you see?
That's part of his plan!
He's like a-- he's like a mind game genius, that guy!
You know, you may not care that I put my job on the line
to get you hired.
But you moved your family 1,000 miles for this,
you've got to pull yourself together!
Just washing our hands.
Yeah, I just put him down for a nap.
I'm desperate for a little grown-up talk.
Did de Palma come back to you?
Yeah, yeah, yeah we got a court date.
No-- no no the other file no.
Honey, I'm so sorry it's crazy here.
Can I call you later?
Sure.
Hey, Tom.
Wait up.
Sorry about that back there.
Rough times, huh?
Yeah.
Hey, looks like someone could use a good listener, buddy.
Huh?
I just don't think I fit into this place, Manny.
Oof, I've been there, man.
You?
You are Sunburst!
What are you talking about?
Oh you think so, huh?
The second I bought this little guy,
made me feel a whole lot more him.
- OK. - Want to try it on?
No no.
Why don't you keep it? 'Cause that's yours.
It's not really a hipness thing, I just--
I'm not getting along with Chip at all
and that's really starting to mess up
my relationship with my wife.
Well, I think today's your lucky day.
I'm studying to be a marriage counselor.
Really?
Yeah.
I thought it'd be a great way to meet women.
And men.
Oh, wow.
Guess that increases your odds, huh?
Yeah, you know, I like having sex with women.
But men are better cuddlers, you know what I mean?
Sure, sure I do.
Well, at this point, Manny, I would try anything.
I love my wife so much but I don't even know
how to talk to her anymore.
You know?
How am I supposed to tell her I'm miserable
when she's so happy here?
[laughter]
Sofia, remember that the laughter
starts deep within and then just comes ro-- ro-- rolling out.
Ha ha ha.
Yeah, I really only laugh when something funny happens.
I've noticed that Oliver isn't very happy.
He never smiles.
He smiles all the time.
He's-- he just isn't smiling right now.
Now you're not going to like this, Sofia.
But you are a very unhappy person
and I don't think it's good for Oliver.
You're not going to like this either, Abby,
but you're an idiot.
And your son, Petey, is a dipshit.
It's OK.
[baby crying]
I know, sweetie.
Here, it's Professor Polar Bear.
It's Professor Polar Bear.
[horn honks]
[baby crying]
Let's start by taking a nice, deep breath.
Just relax.
OK?
[phone rings]
Mom!
Mom answer the phone!
So sorry.
Mom!
Answer the phone and don't come down here I'm having a session!
[phone rings]
Many of the exercises I'm studying
are a little new agey so I hope you guys will
just trust me and roll with it.
Sure.
Sure, mate.
Great.
Let's start by holding each other's genitals.
OK, I'm leaving.
No, not-- not holding, poking.
No you're not poking anything.
Babe, he's kidding.
Tell me you're kidding?
I'm kidding.
Sort of lighten the mood, that's all.
- Lightening the mood, come on. - That's all that is.
OK, you know what?
Don't sit down, I've got an exercise.
This is called I'm upset bat.
It's a great way to get to the root of hurt feelings.
You'll each complete the sentence,
I'm upset that, and then tap each other with the bat.
OK?
Now, Sofia, you go first.
Um, I'm upset that you bought that mountain bike.
Now tap him.
Good.
Tom.
Oh I'm upset that we haven't had sex in a long time.
I'm upset that you didn't get the chance
to have an eight-pound baby shoot out of your vagina.
Maybe then you'd understand!
Good!
That's great.
I'm upset that you banged Chip!
- You banged Chip? - No.
Yes!
I'm upset that you just told him I banged Chip!
Ow!
You're not supposed to hit people in the face.
I'm upset that you talked me into coming here.
Don't hit me anymore, please.
Please don't hit me more.
[laughter]
No, that was helpful.
Well look what I grabbed on the way out.
[laughter]
I love you so much.
I love you too.
But, are you happy?
You can tell me.
I--
Wait, that might be the babysitter.
Hello?
So I'm looking through the 1989 Tigers
Paw and I see a picture of a very
pretty girl in a Yaz t-shirt.
Yeah, you know what?
I can't really talk right now, can I call you back later?
Chipwhich, thanks for making the last four years so awesome.
Too cool to be forgotten.
Boy, those words have gotten me through some pretty tough
times.
[chatter]
I got you.
[mumbling]
Tom.
Tom is a man with vision and I want him in that meeting.
Take this down to video tech first thing in the morning.
I want them to put the tag on it, and then make dubs.
Dubs, OK.
Bye.
[whale sounds]
Careful.
[music playing]
TOM REILLY: Hey!
Hey, buddy!
There's something that I wanted to see!
We're going to do that cool hamburger trick again, buddy.
I can't.
What are you talking about, sure you can.
I don't eat meat anymore.
What?
I saw this show yesterday about how they made meat.
It's all about killing animals.
You became a vegetarian yesterday?
Yeah, so what?
All right, cool, whatever.
We'll get you a veggie burger.
Nah.
Wesley, you'll get to be famous!
Like Harry Potter or Urkel.
Tom, it's not going to happen.
End of discussion.
Don't be an idiot, Wesley.
That's mine!
Now you'll get it back when you eat a hamburger.
Hey! Come here!
Help!
Wesley!
I'm not done talking to you!
Can I help you?
Hey.
I just moved in next door.
Nice to meet you.
Just talking to Wesley, he's great.
SOFIA KOWALSKI: Tom?
Yeah?
Were you just yelling at Wesley?
I need you to talk to that kid, Sophia.
His priorities are way out of line.
What are you talking about?
I accidentally taped over the video of Wesley.
We got to get him to eat another burger.
Honey, if he doesn't want to do it just find somebody else.
Sure, honey, I'll just get one of the other kids
on the block who can swallow a hamburger in one bite.
I'm sure there's not a gag reflex on the block!
OK you've got to calm down.
You're acting crazy.
I'm acting crazy?
That little twerp--
[knocking]
Could you get that?
Hi.
I believe your husband has my son's skateboard.
[chatter]
MAN 6: Let's open up some windows over there.
Tom, you are not going to believe this.
Bob left the Wesley tape on his desk and we lost it.
No shoes on the prayer mat!
We found the culprit.
Somebody left the bulb touching a stack of paper.
Dammit!
Jesus Christ, Bob.
It's just an accident.
No no no, it's been a series of mistakes, Tom.
Earlier this week he cost us a major account.
Could have been the next Smith and Hawkin.
Don I can fix this.
I can fix it.
All I got to do is get Wesley on tape again.
Trust me, I can fix it.
Go for help, now.
Go!
TOM REILLY: I'm not going to hurt you, Wesley.
I just want to talk to you.
Look what I got, $1,000 from my very own bank account.
Huh? For you!
What do you say?
My lawyer said I can't talk to you, dude.
- Your lawyer? - Hey!
Get away from the kids!
I'm just talking--
Ah!
Are you crazy?
Ah!
[indistinct voice]
I will.
Wait, mom, Tom just got home.
Let me-- let me call you right back.
My dad got fired.
What?
I told him to wait.
I was going to fix everything.
He got blamed for-- for some kind of fire?
Oh my god, it's not about that.
You see the Wesley video got destroyed in the fire, so--
The Wesley video?
What?
Well you told me you taped over the Wesley video.
I know.
And what I'm trying to explain to you
is that it wasn't one thing.
But Wollebin knows that the tape thing
wasn't my dad's fault, right?
Sofia, it's a very complicated situation.
Well did you tell him or not?
Yes or no?
It wouldn't have made a difference!
I don't believe you.
You know what, Sofia?
If you'd helped me get Wesley to redo
the video instead of taking his side, none of this
would have happened.
Are you insane?
Your dad was going to get fired anyway.
What do you want me to volunteer to get fired too?
I tried to fix it, it didn't work.
I'm sorry.
I'm doing all of this for you, Sophia.
Everything! You have it so easy!
You get to hang out with Oliver all day!
You think I like what I'm doing?
You think I like that stupid job?
I hate it!
I am completely miserable!
Sofia.
SOFIA KOWALSKI: I'm going to my parents.
Call me when you calm down.
[music playing]
Sweet ride, Tom.
I thought this thing was a Poon magnet.
What the hell are you doing here, Chip?
I was just in the neighborhood.
Did I see Sofia leaving with a suitcase?
Don't worry about it.
Is it work, Tom?
Because I have heard that you've blown your way through quite
a few jobs and the one thing about women
is that they can smell failure a mile away.
It's not work, OK?
Is it sexual?
Is there a midget living in the basement?
If there is, they are selling the pump on the internet
but I do not know if it works.
I don't need a pump!
I thought of Sofia alone and vulnerable.
I don't like it--
I swear to God, Chip, if you go anywhere near my wife,
I will--
What are you going to do, Tom?
You're going to catch us on your hidden camera?
How do you know about that?
Let's drag.
[screams]
Son of a bitch.
Chip!
I could not make it up the steps.
Hope I'm not imposing.
[music playing]
[laughter]
Oh, it's not easy swimming with just your arms.
Especially when the water's just 38 degrees.
I can't believe you're still alive!
Always been a risk-taker, Sofia.
I do like to test the limits.
Chip, you fill this house with warmth.
And we can really use that right now.
It isn't just that Bob got fired,
but Tom and Sofia have been-- - Mom!
Mom!
--difficult. Well you have.
Anyway.
Anyway, I, uh, I rented a movie.
I've got it in my saddlebag, I was going
to go home and watch it alone.
Love to share it if you guys are up to it.
You want to see a movie?
Sure, Chip.
MAN 7 [ON TV]: Make yourself comfortable.
I have some things to do in the bathroom.
WOMAN 2 [ON TV]: OK.
I want you.
What do I do?
MAN 7 [ON TV]: Everything.
That's OK.
[doorbell rings]
Sofia, I need to talk to you.
Listen, you have every right to be upset with me.
Sweetie, I'm not angry. I just--
--finish.
Let me finish, OK?
I finally figured it out.
I didn't put the wrong tape in the camera.
Chip switched it! - What?
Yeah, I was right all along, baby.
He's been trying to sabotage me since day one
and now I have proof.
You can see his face, the reflection, on my computer--
Hi, Tom.
What's he doing here?
What are you doing with my son?
Get the baby away from--
Tom, cool it!
Why don't you take the baby?
What did you come over here to get with my wife, Hot Wheels?
- [BOTH] Tom! - Hot Wheels?
Chip came over because he heard dad got fired.
Oh and how did that happen?
Huh?
The same way my chair got shorter?
The same way gay porn got put on my computer?
You had everybody fooled didn't you?
You cripple?
[BOTH] Tom!
That's enough.
Poor me, I'm in a wheelchair.
Everybody feel sorry for me and have sex with me
because I can't use my legs.
Or can he?
He can walk.
I have proof.
What's that?
What?
Get up, you faker.
You can walk.
Let's show them how you walk!
[screaming]
Tom the man can't walk!
Oh, yeah?
Let's find out!
[screaming]
He's dead!
I'm OK.
This isn't Chip, it's Danny!
Danny?
He's Chip's twin brother.
He died in an accident about five years ago.
He was my hero.
Tom, get down here!
Out of the house!
Out!
BOB KOWALSKI: Tom!
I found--
I found it-- I saw his--
Tom, out!
I saw his reflection in-- in my--
Out!
For god's sakes, Tom.
What the hell is the matter with you?
You just threw a disabled man down a flight of stairs!
Moushiwake, Bob.
Now obviously I was wrong about the cripple thing,
but he's the one responsible for you getting fired.
What the hell is wrong with you?
You could've just killed him!
Sofia--
I think you should go.
[music playing]
Are you sure you're OK?
I'm fine.
Um, what I'm really worried about is you.
Um, I can tell that you're not happy
and I think that it-- it might be because you're
on the wrong track.
I don't-- I don't know.
Maybe it's because you're still looking for something
that you haven't found yet.
You know, I mean--
I-- I know that I am.
You know, I mean, everybody thinks
that I've got everything, you know, the Ohio
Advertiser of the Year.
And probably be hired to go to Barcelona soon.
But I don't have anybody I can share that with.
You know, and the one person that really does it for me
is a girl that I met back in high school.
We are the Tigers and we're not cocky, but we're run you--
you know, kawasaki.
Do you what I mean?
I've still got your panties from that time that--
OK, Chip, I--
it's time to go.
OK, it's tough to hear I get it.
Stay the hell away from my wife, Chip.
I got a newsflash for you, Sparky.
Your wife's gone.
She's way out of your league and she's finally realized it, OK?
It's over.
Easy.
Huh?
You think I can't defend myself just
'cause I'm in a wheelchair?
No I know Hapkido!
Ah!
That's for stealing my yogurt, douche.
You know what the worst part is for me, Chip?
You're a horrible person.
I mean there is just nobody worse.
And yet because of what you had to deal
with being in that chair, I actually still
feel guilty for hating you.
You know what I hate most about you, Tom?
It's not your gay voice, probably thought I was
going to say your gay voice.
Actually no, but thank you.
It's that you're weak.
I've defeated you in every possible way.
I neutered you at work, I've turned your in-laws
against you, and I'd say I'm at most three days away
from mounting your slutty wife again
and you've got the gall to pity me.
Yeah.
I guess I do.
Yeah, don't.
It's a miracle, he can stand.
I knew it!
[screaming]
You banged my wife with that giant, uncircumcised ant-eater!
Can't breathe, Tom.
Why the hell would you spend your entire life
pretending to be paralyzed?
What's wrong with you?
You ever try to park at the mall during Christmas?
Or do you have any idea how much easier it is to get sympathy
sex when you can't walk?
You're a sociopath.
Oh don't get the wrong idea, I actually
needed that chair for a while.
When I was 14, I got into a surprisingly
violent hacky sack accident.
And then a few weeks later, came out here for high school,
decided I'd milk it a little bit.
Do you think I'm not going to tell everyone
that's ever met you, you freak?
You just threw an innocent, handicapped guy
down the stairs.
No one's going to believe you.
And, you know, you were just at a very distinct advantage just
then when you threw me to the ground.
All of my martial arts training has
been from the seated position.
[screaming]
Give it up, Chief.
You're never going to win.
See you at school tomorrow!
[phone rings]
Hello?
MAN 8 [ON PHONE]: Is this [inaudible] Chip Sanders?
What?
MAN 8 [ON PHONE]: My name is Juan [inaudible]
of [inaudible].
I am the Executive President of Idea,
the ad agency in Barcelona.
You sent to us your resume.
Yes! Hello!
Ola!
Coma esta!
MAN 8 [ON PHONE]: Very good, thank you very much.
Will you indulge me please, sir, for one moment
and allow me to say to you that your work is absolutely genius?
Senor Tomato is, in a word, spectacular.
Jesus, yes.
Uh, thank you.
Gracias.
MAN 8 [ON PHONE]: You're very, very welcome.
I come to the point.
You, sir, are being chosen for the position
of Director Creativo.
Can you fly to Barcelona [speaking spanish] please?
Sure! Si!
Gracias.
Super.
[speaking spanish]
[beeps]
MAN 9 [ON TV]: Tom!
Wildman here, we set up a meeting with the Wesley kid.
But you probably know all about it,
seeing as your wife is his lawyer.
Screw it.
I'll send Chip--
Shit!
[music playing]
Bob!
Have you seen Sofia?
No, I went to buy more scotch.
When I-- when I got back she was gone.
You all right?
Bob, there's something I have to tell you.
The Wesley tape wasn't destroyed in the fire, I--
I accidentally taped over it.
Sofia told me last night.
I told her the same thing I'll say to you.
The only person responsible for me losing my job is me.
I also started the fire.
It was an accident, I--
I-- I wasn't aware.
Are you-- are you OK?
I bent over backwards to sell Wollebin's vision
and I, you know--
I knew in the back of my mind it was bullshit.
- It is bullshit, Bob. - It is.
- Screw him. - Screw him!
Screw him!
You're all right, kid.
You're all right.
Sofia's getting ice cream with Chip at Eddy's Sweets.
Thank you, Bob.
Oh Jesus, Tom.
You got to take a shower!
I'm sorry.
BOB KOWALSKI: Go get her, son!
KID: Hey, 5 bucks to whoever can knock that tool off his bike.
[laughs]
Oh.
These rims aren't supposed to bend.
[music playing]
OK, Wesley.
You just sign there at the bottom of the paper,
you're about to be a very rich young man, OK?
Try not to get the fudge on the contract.
Don't do it, Wesley.
Oh good, Tom's here.
Tom.
What happened to you?
Will everyone just please listen to me for one second OK?
Sofia, Wesley, Wesley's dad.
Sofia I know on paper I'm not the most ideal husband.
I'm selfish, I can't hold down a job,
and I think I may have turned your father into a problem.
drinker.
Still, one thing you said you loved about me
is that I could smell bullshit a mile away.
Well this guy, Sofia, is filled with bullshit.
He's a sociopath, and more importantly, baby he can stand.
I have seen it.
He can't fight while he's standing, but he can stand.
Fortunate for me that there's no stairs here for you to try
to prove your point again.
TOM REILLY: Baby, I know it's hard.
But I need you to believe this, I need you to believe in me.
Tom, why would I pretend to be handicapped my entire life?
Just so I can park at the mall at Christmas?
Hello.
Uno momento, por favor Senor.
This is my dream job in Spain, OK?
They're calling to make the final travel arrangements.
It's the actual reason that I came, I just--
I don't really care much about Wesley.
Hey, ain't cool.
Less words.
I have one question, Sofia.
Si si.
Do I have them buy me one plane ticket to Spain or dos?
You know what, Chip?
I think you're weird and creepy.
And if you think I'd ever choose you over the love of my life,
you're the most delusional man on the face of the earth.
That'd be uno ticketo, por favor.
Sweetie, you couldn't lose me if you tried.
And you've been trying pretty hard lately.
Momento.
So I guess this is adios.
Oh my god.
Ta da!
Holy shit!
Sofia, you should know the night that we made love,
I faked my orgasm.
Tom, you're never going to beat me,
and I'm going to send you a pretty
little postcard from Barcelona.
Senor!
If it's all the same with you, I'd like to travel tonight.
[speaking spanish]
Of course, Senor Chip.
I will have Barcelona's longest limousine
awaiting your arrival.
And after your beauty rest, I make big party for you
with beautiful chicks.
Fantastico.
Everything all settled?
Girls, best of luck.
Good luck to you, Chip!
Good luck to me, I don't need luck, Tom.
You need the luck, you're the sorry idiot
that's going to be stuck living in Ohio the rest of your life.
Working in the most boring ad agency in the world.
I'm going to Spain.
Spain, Tom!
Spain!
I'm taking this little walk and roll show on tour.
Yeah!
They're not going to see what hit them!
You know what I mean?
[chatter]
[music playing]
The folks at Lion's Pride were all set to spend tons of money
to try and get you to eat their new hamburger
spread, Pickle Whip.
They even went so far as to hire pro-skater Tony
Hawk to put on a pickle costume and do
rad skateboarding tricks.
The only problem was, once Tony was in his pickle costume,
he couldn't see very well.
To be honest, it's just tartar sauce on a hamburger.
But I've got to tell you, it tastes really good.
TOM REILLY: And cut!
Great job, Wesley.
What'd you think Bob?
I love it!
It's honest, no bullshit, and the kid's a natural.
Take five, buddy.
Come on, babes.
I'll be in my trailer.
Somebody should get that girl some pants.
Listen, Bob, I cannot thank you
enough for flying out here to help me start my own company.
You're an ad man, Tom.
You're fabulous.
I brought you a present from Ohio.
Aw, you didn't have to do that.
The yes ball.
I'm kidding.
[laughs]
Why would I give you my yes ball?
[music playing]
Hola, Senor.
[speaking spanish] Senor?
Senor?
Hola.
Chip Sanders, new creative director.
I need to get inside the building.
Do you see I've broken both my legs?
Is that tough to see?
Guess what, old Chiperoo is going to take
care of things himself.
This is what a man who needs help looks like.
Don't worry, you got-- are you late for an appointment
or something?
Is that what it is?
You must be late.
How about this door?
Can I just get this one?
There's no mistake at all.
I don't-- Sir, I work on the fourth floor.
It's Chip Sanders.
I-- please don't break my arms too.
Please don't break my arms too.
Just lift me up and place me back in my chair.
[chatter]
SOFIA KOWALSKI: There's my two favorite boys.
Hey, [inaudible].
Hi.
So baby, I've got to be at a deposition downtown by 9:30.
I got breakfast in the oven, it'll be ready in 15 minutes.
I really can't be late.
Chocolate croissant.
What's 15 minutes?
I know how we can spend six of those minutes.
Six minutes?
You really think you can last that long?
I could last seven and 1/2.
What do you think of that? [laughs]
[MUSIC PLAYING - THE MAGIC NUMBERS, "MORNINGS ELEVEN"]
[SINGING] Baby if you telephone maybe
I can meet you in the morning.
Call me if you're on your own and maybe
I can meet you in the morning.
[screams]
[SINGING] Ah ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba aah.
Mornings eleven the feelings are severed
I can't feel anything at all.
But I would--
--die for you.
Oh I would--
--die for you.
Well, what's my name?
I don't know.
Baby if you telephone maybe I can meet you in the morning.
Call me if you're on your own and maybe
I can meet you in the morning.
Ah ba ba ba ba ba ba ba aah.
I had it all.
But I never thought I did.
No, no, no, no, I never thought I did.
Whoa oh oh oh I had it all.
But I never thought I did.
No, no no, no I never thought I did.
Whoa oh oh oh ba ba ba ba ba ba ba.
MAN 10 [ON TV]: So make sure that you understand,
when you're chopping things up in the way that those people
in the north of Italy.
[baby crying]
That's the kid.
Let's go.
[baby crying]
WOMAN 3 [ON TV]: [speaking spanish]
They're out of their minds.
Hey, Tom.
You got to come see this guy.
WOMAN 3 [ON TV]: [speaking spanish]
What?
PACO: Ah, you missed it.
Let's go, man.
[MUSIC PLAYING - VOXTROT, "THE START OF SOMETHING"]
[SINGING] This time of night I could call you up.
I get angry with athletic ease, break
common laws in twos and threes.
[inaudible]
[laughs]
CREW: Cut it.
What did you do?
[laughs]
[inaudible]
How's my pressure?
[laughs]
CREW: Keep rolling, guys.
Have you step into that again--
He's going to the bathroom.
[laughs]
Will it come through?
[beep]
TOM REILLY: Sorry, guys.
Try and sneeze a couple more times in this take.
[laughs]
Did you-- was that good for sound?
I mean--
[beep]
Sir, we've got web advertising,
product pr--um, product partnerships, and print ads.
Actually, it's a-- it's a four-pronged strategy.
No, no, no, uh, uh, this is, uh, no.
No.
Uh, actually it is, uh, Chip.
Is there direct mailing in it?
TOM REILLY: Yeah.
Sorry.
This-- this was a great take, everybody.
Let's save this one.
Let's just mark this one.
Circle it, and let's go again.
CREW: Cut it out, I want it out.
[beep]
This neighbourhood is chock-full of honkies.
[laughs]
SOFIA KOWALSKI: Do you have a problem with that?
And, go ahead and get my--
Do you want-- do you want a code word?
--get my-- [laughs]
I want a safe word.
Our safe word is raisins.
[laughs]
Did you see Karate Kid?
SOFIA KOWALSKI: Yeah.
All right, good.
Miyagi, Miaccho.
That's not right.
[beep]
Oh oh.
No habla espanol?
You know what I'm saying.
You heard me, muchacho.
Pack your bags.
Adios.
What?
LEON: You heard me, Iglesias.
Take your anger out on a pinata, you're gone.
It's great, just think of how many more
soccer games you can go to.
[laughs]
Dude, you're killing me.
[beep]
This is nice. CHIP SANDERS: Isn't it good?
It's a good chair.
It's actually more comfortable than I had imagined.
CHIP SANDERS: Less words.
What we're going to--
[laughs]
Shh, here we go.
Stop it.
That's for st-- uh, it smells like [muted]..
Did you crap your pants?
[laughs]
God.
Here we go.
[laughs]
TOM REILLY: I'm sorry, that was funny.
Ah.
I'm sorry, [inaudible] [laughs]
CHIP SANDERS: You good?
[laughs]
Just go ahead and [muted] the master.
TOM REILLY: Oh, shit.
[laughs]
[muted] That's great.
This is going to be an awesome gag reel for [inaudible]..
[MUSIC PLAYING - VOXTROT, "THE START OF SOMETHING"]
[SINGING] --what's a book to you in bed?
Do you feel better?
Older?
Say this just makes me ill.
Your name is dripping from my pen.
Still, you're not around to curse.
I've gotta drop the gun now.
Say I'm still under you.
Marianne, let the ghosts sleep tonight.
Marianne, let the ghosts sleep.
Just shut your eyes and burn the past.
Marianne, let the ghosts sleep tonight.
Marianne, let the ghosts sleep.
Just shut your eyes and burn the past.
Marianne, let the ghosts sleep tonight.
Marianne, let the ghosts sleep.
Just shut your eyes and burn the past.
Marianne, let the ghosts sleep tonight.
Marianne, let the ghosts sleep.
Just shut your eyes and burn the past.
[music playing]
[SINGING] Pa da da pa da pa da pa da pa.
Pa da da pa da pa da pa da.
Pa da da pa da pa da pa da pa.
Pa da da pa da pa da pa da.
Pa da da pa da pa da pa da pa.
Pa da da pa da pa da pa da.
Pa da da pa da pa da pa da pa.
Pa da da pa da pa da pa pa.
Paa pa ra pa ra pa ra pa raa.
Pa pa ra pa ra pa ra.
Pa ra pa ra pa ra pa ra pa pa ra ra paa pa pa ra pa
ra pa ra pa ra pa ra pa pa pa.
Pa pa pa ra pa pa ra pa raa pa pa
ra pa raa pa pa pa ra pa raa.
Pa ra pa ra pa ra pa ra pa pa ra pa ra
pa raa pa ra pa ra pa ra pa ra.